HippyCentral

“According to a new study, polar bears will probably be extinct by the year 2050. So enjoy eating them while you can.”
-Dave Letterman

“Prison officials in New Jersey, this week, had to use tear gas to break up a prison riot. You know what they call tear gas in New Jersey? Air freshener.” -Jay Leno

An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

“Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, “Say something wise.”

The dean looks at them and says, “I should have taken the money.”

Last February, I was rushing around trying to do some Valentine’s Day shopping. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the weather right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot.

As I was loading my car up, I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing.

The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12-years-old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night’s chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong.

He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was 9-years-old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children some Valentine’s Day presents (since she didn’t manage to get them anything at Christmas).

The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

“Why didn’t you scream for help?” I asked.

The boy said, “I did.”

“And nobody came to help you?” I queried.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. “How loud did you scream?” I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, “Help me!”

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.

So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Owl!
Owl who?
Owl Aboard!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Emma!
Emma who?
Emma bit cold out here, can you let me in?

A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”