Like father, like son
So my dad was having “that” conversation with me when I was about 12 or 13. He said that if you masturbate you’ll go blind.
I said, “I’m over here, Dad…”
Mother’s boy
Bella was terribly upset. Her fiance, Marvin, had been to a clinical psychologist, and the results were not entirely consoling.
She said to her mother, “I’m not sure the marriage would be happy, Ma. The psychologist says Marvin tests out to have a pronounced Oedipus complex.”
Her mother shrugged and said, “Don’t listen to that fancy talk. I’ve watched Marvin and I tell you he’s all right. Just look how much he loves his mother.”
Earnest improvement
A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
“Really,” answered the neighbor, “what kind is it?”
“Twelve thirty.”
Teach ’em young
The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy.
“Isn’t it rather complicated for a small boy?” she asked the salesclerk.
“It’s designed to adjust the tot to live in today’s world, madam,” the shop assistant replied. “Any way he tries to put it together is wrong.”
Military Intelligence
Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other.
The first spaceman says, “The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons.”
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”
The first spaceman says, “I don’t think so…They have them aimed at themselves.”
——————
“Military intelligence…two words combined that can’t make sense” – Hangar 18 – Megadeth
Blank looks
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: “I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer.”
Training stresses that we are “not the Software Police,” so I let the little act of piracy slide.
Tech Support: “Umm-hmm. What happened?”
Customer: “As I put each disk in it turns out they weren’t initialized.”
Tech Support: “Do you remember the message exactly, ma’am?”
Customer: (proudly) “I wrote it down. ‘This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'”
Tech Support: “Er, what happened next?”
Customer: “After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can’t read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?”
