HippyCentral

Q: Why don’t they play poker in the jungle?

A: Too many cheetahs.

“A word to the wise isn’t necessary. It’s the stupid ones who need the advice.”

—Bill Cosby

“First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And
second, what can I say? I’m a night owl.”

—Former mayor of DC, Marion Barry

An older man approaches a younger woman inside the mall. “Excuse me,” he said. “I can’t seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, “Sure, sir, do you know where your wife might be?”

“I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with a body like yours, she usually appears out of nowhere.”

“Well, Ted, you’re certainly coming up in the world. What’s the idea of playing golf with not one, but two caddies!”

“Oh, it was my wife’s idea.”

“Your wife?”

“Yeah,” answers Ted, “She thought I should spend more time with the kids.”

Women’s English:

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry

We need = I want

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure…go ahead = I don’t want you to

I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!

You’re … so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today that you’re really not going to like

I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you’re dead

Men’s English:

I’m hungry = I’m hungry

I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy

I’m tired = I’m tired

Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you tonight

Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you tonight

Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you that night

May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you tonight

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you tonight

What’s wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?

I love you = Let’s have sex right now

I love you, too = Okay, I said it…we’d better have sex now!

Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

I don’t think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay