HippyCentral

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his fortune.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm
for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

“Boss”, he said, ” The pill actually worked!”

“That’s all fine” said the boss, ” But where were you yesterday?”

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with a lot of pleasure.

—Clarence Darrow

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, “Let’s fly out of the cave and get some blood.”

“We’re new here,” says the second one. “It’s dark out, and we don’t know where to look. We’d better wait until the other bats go with us.”

The first bat replies, “Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere.” He flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, “Where did you get the blood?”

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, “See that black building over there?”

“Yes,” the other bat answers.

“Well,” says the first bat, “I didn’t.”

As time goes by and we grow older I think it is important for us all to consciously take inventory of our lives. To look in the mirror and objectively examine our character. To unwind the fabric of the psyche to see if our thought processes are based on selfish motivations and obfuscated reality, or on the firmer
foundation of faith, justice, patience and goodwill. It is a time to right wrongs and heal wounds. A time for activity and purpose. A time for resolution.

So I resolve to be a better man. A man of introspection and consideration. A man for humanity. A man whose auto-pilot is set on a steady course to enlightenment. Yes, I will change!

Man does have the ability to change! I will be progressive and free-thinking–in tune with the universe. I will listen intently to my brothers and sisters—especially the sisters, for I have not been fair to them. I promise, from this day forward, I will resist the temptation to constantly correct you. I will not spend my time finding fault with your logic. I will hear you!

I promise to listen and not just stand in front of you, mouth open and drooling, staring at your tits.

Q: What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

A: Make me one with everything.